Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Vatican Officially Condones H2Oi After Venue Was Finally Announced

VATICAN CITY- After much deliberation, the Roman Catholic Church has come forth with a statement officially endorsing H2Oi after Pope Benedict XVI was made aware that the venue was finally announced. Most Blessed Sacrament Catholic School in Berlin Maryland has been chosen for this year’s festivities, now with the blessing of the Supreme Pontiff.

Pope Benedict XVI, keeping his Pope hand strong.

Once the long standing supporter of German-themed youth organizations heard what the event was all about, he intended to make the journey from his home at the Vatican. Unfortunately, he  found making travel arrangements with so little notice would be cost prohibitive, even for the head of the largest Christian church in the world.

“I had planned to make the trip by boat with my 1999 VW Golf,” said Benedict XVI, “but with just over a month left before the event, no cargo ships would give me a reasonable fare. I had hoped the event’s organizers wouldn’t take so long with the announcement, but my prayers went unanswered. I’ve been dialing in my coilovers since Easter.”

After months of near silence, and with less than two months left to go before its usual weekend, H2Oi’s organizers finally announced the date for the event after a competing show started to gain a meager amount of attention.

“I didn’t want to set my plans for the wrong weekend,” Benedict added, smirking. “…and as for VAGWERKS, not even an Episcopalian would be caught dead there.”

Pope Benedict XVI's show-stopping Mk4

The announcement was made this morning in front of a crowd of several thousand onlookers after a special mass on the steps of the Vatican. Benedict added that he had hoped to attend Picklefest while vacationing in Ocean City as well.

In a special press conference just hours later, Archbishop Joseph DiAddazio, who had been in charge of the papal travel arrangements, expressed his regrets that the Pope would not be able to attend this year. “Its a shame, really. Had the announcement come just a few weeks earlier, we may have been able to make some concise plans.” The Archbishop added, “We’ve been repeatedly checking Travelocity and praying to Our Heavenly Father for guidance, but it doesn’t look our faith is going to be enough this time.”

New feature: Pickle’s “The Dumbest Thing I Saw All Day”

Day one: “Hustling to get stancey before Tailored and WW.”

Apparently buying an S4 Avant isn’t just for smart people anymore.

Believe me, its all downhill from here. I stole this image. Deal with it.

Timeline:

1. “Jesster” bought this Avant, apparently already a “full stage III”

2. Removed perfectly functional performance coilovers in favor of lesser quality “showcar coilovers” plus cash in his pocket

3. Installed a pair of hideous “racing seats”

4. Bought some ugly chrome wheels that don’t fit right

5. Got arrested for an outstanding ticket that was apparently “paid online”

The stickers look fantastic. Of course I'm kidding.

6. Coated the ugly wheels white

7. Is grinding down the calipers and the insides of wheel spokes just to get “stancey” with it

I think I speak for everyone here at Picklefest when I say that I hope he gets stancey right off the road and into a grove of elm trees. We can’t wait to see how much money he saves on tires!

So here’s looking at you, Jesster Stanceypants. We hope you make it to the shows so everyone can point and laugh in person. Thanks for reminding us that different isn’t always better.

Be sure to check Jesster’s thread for the latest updates and more pictures of his crimes against good taste!

Study by American University reveals that “Roll Call” posts are a cry for attention.

On July 27th, 2011 American University published the results of a long-running study on individuals who posted “Roll Call” threads on internet message boards. In virtually every case (over 96.7%), the 8,100 people surveyed over the past 4 years were found to be weak willed individuals who had a less than satisfying childhood.

“Its a cry for attention, really,” said the study’s author, Dr. Harvey Manfrengensen, “these people probably wouldn’t feel the need to make these postings if they were just given more affection as children.”

The study was performed at the Center on Non-Traditional Threats and Corruption in the University’s DC Campus. All participants were given access to a computer with internet access, and typically within a few minutes were on a message board posting something useless and annoying, most frequently formatted as a “roll call” style post.

Dr. Manfrengensen added, “It boggles the mind when you try to contemplate what must be going on in these people’s heads… Nobody cares who you are, or what you’re doing. Go play outside, or read a book… but for the sake of our future as a society, please stop making these useless posts.”

Pickle’s latest decree: “ALL YOUR CRUISES ARE PLAYED OUT”

In his latest “State of the Scene” address, the Almighty Pickle has come out with an unprecedented observation. According to his most recent statement, lining up in a parking lot to cruise anywhere (and in particular, car shows) makes you nothing more than a “Vehicular Lemming”.

“The trouble is,” said Pickle, “these silly little people do nothing but gather in public places, then stick signs on their cars and drive around like so many show ponies. Its sad, really… wanting to be included in anything so badly that you’ll just follow the wanker in front of you with a silly little sticker on your car.”

He also noted that following people around isn’t actually a “rally” and shouldn’t described as such.

“All they’re doing is following each other around and taking rolling pictures of each other’s cars like some type of photographic gangbang,” he continued, “and this year? I’m hoping they all get flat tires.”

Stock image, used without permission. Copyright 2009 by some shitbird I don't care about.

This most recent statement comes fresh on the heels of his “Painters tape all over your car makes you look like a fucking giggledick, knock it off already!” dissertation.

He added, “In the future, I’d hope that these sissies would think before they do something so unoriginal… but in my experience, they never do.”

Picklefest 2011 venue announced!

The venue for this year’s Picklefest has been announced! As you know, the selection process is long and arduous, but Ocean City Maryland has been selected! The entire city limits will be taken over September 21st through the 27th. A list of the individual activities will follow soon! Don’t forget to go fuck yourself!